Not A Regular Visit
by alaskalex
Summary: Steve always visits Peggy once a week, but on this particular visit he's forced to confront some truths. Set post-The Winter Soldier, oneshot, mentions of Steve/Bucky.


Steve's visits to Peggy are always punctual. Six thirty on Tuesday evenings, to the minute. They last exactly one hour and then the nurse arrives to get Peggy ready to go to bed. He's always out of the building before 7:35. Steve likes the regularity. He can always count on them to stay the same, even when his own life gets shaken up and changed.

They hurt, of course. Peggy forgets him almost every time, but Steve can deal with the pangs. It's not unbearable, just a steady ache. It's better than a sudden sting or rip of pain. Steve doesn't exactly like it, but he can appreciate how neatly it fits into the rest of the routine.

Their conversation isn't anything particularly exciting. Sometimes Steve will confess to her his doubts and fears, and she in return gives him advice. He's grateful to be able to lean on her. But most of their time together is spent reminiscing about times long gone, people who have been dead for years. Sometimes Bucky comes up, sometimes he doesn't. She's always very gentle about that subject, and never presses Steve too hard. He's grateful for that too.

But tonight, when Bucky's name is mentioned, Steve is forced to look down and shield his suddenly wet eyes from Peggy's sharp ones.

"Steve?" Her tone is gentle but firm. "What's wrong?"

He blinks hard, willing the tears back. He tilts his head toward the ceiling, trying to keep them from running over. "Bucky's alive, Peggy."

There's silence for a moment. "Oh." Peggy says simply.

Steve gives a short laugh that has no warmth behind it. "It looks like HYDRA managed to get him after he fell. They... They brainwashed him, turned him into a machine. I think I made him break out of it, but..." Despite his best efforts, a tear breaks free. "I just don't _know_, Peggy." The fourth word comes out in a sob, and now Steve stops trying to hold his tears back. He watches as they drip onto his jeans, tasting their salt at the corners of his mouth.

"Look at me." Peggy's voice carries the same commanding tone as it did when he was a scrawny little private who couldn't get her out of his mind. "Steve, look at me."

He does. Her eyes hold him captive to her stare, the brown gaze piercing. "Do you love him?"

Steve's mind whirls. This was the absolute last question he expected her to ask, but it's one that he's known the answer for years. "Yes," he whispers, and regrets it immediately. There's no telling if Peggy had carried the old prejudices into this new age. His chest tightens involuntarily and his fingers clench into his palms, making fists. If Peggy reacts with disgust, it wouldn't be the first time that an old woman thought that he was a pervert. A pang runs through Steve when he remembers the combination of shock and revulsion on his mother's face, when at five he'd told her that he wanted to marry a boy when he got older. He doesn't want to lose Peggy's love, too.

But to his relief, her mouth curls into a smile and her gaze softens. "You know, I always suspected I had some competition from him, the way you two kept staring at each other when your backs were turned."

"He stared at me?" Steve asks in disbelief. He winces a little at how childish and naive he sounds, but it's a sign of affection from Bucky that he'd never thought he'd receive. He'd always looked at Bucky when he thought no one else could see him, mentally noting the curve of his jaw or the dimple in his smile. But he'd never thought that Bucky would ever look the same way at him.

Or was even capable of doing so.

Steve had always denied any scrap of proof that Bucky felt the same way. He had told himself repeatedly that it was his own perversions, and if Bucky had held him in an embrace longer than acceptable or stroked his hand in a caressing manner, then he simply didn't know what he was doing. Steve couldn't let himself foist his own wrongness onto Bucky as well.

Peggy gives a soft chuckle. "Yes. I guess I was lucky that the two of you were so thick about it, or I never would've had a chance."

She sounds amused, but something about her wording causes Steve to worry. What he felt for Peggy was real, every bit so. "Peg, you know that you weren't just some consolation prize to me, right? I loved you. I still do."

Her smile fades a bit and her eyes take on a wistful look. "Yes, I know. I never doubted you for a second." There's silence for a few moments, and then Peggy starts to speak again. "But I think that it's time you got over me."

The tears, which had been shocked away by his earlier confession, start to flow again. "I can't-" His throat gets tight and he can't finish his sentence. "How could I get over my best girl?" He manages to choke out.

"I'll always be your best girl." Peggy says softly, and her eyes start to look dewy. "But you have a best guy now, too." She reaches out to take Steve's hand, and for the first time Steve let's himself acknowledge how paper thin her skin is, the bones as fragile as twigs. "Find him. And Steve?"

His "Yes?" comes out strange and cracked.

"I want you to be happy." A single tear rolls down Peggy's face. "It's all I've ever wanted for you." Her tone wavers, but her words are strong. "Can you promise me that- that you'll be happy?"

"Yes." Steve whispers. He holds her hand a little tighter, feeling how small it is in his wide palm.

"Good."

There's silence in the room. They don't need words at the moment. They understand each other, and even if they wanted to talk both of their throats are too constricted to give much in the way of conversation. It's a full silence, full of memories and tears, war and pain. And love. So much love, both open and hidden.

The silence lasts for exactly two minutes and twenty three seconds before the nurse comes in. "Sorry, Mr. Rogers, it's time for Peggy to rest now." She ignores their wet faces and Steve wonders just how used she is to tears.

He nods quickly, and roughly wipes the tears off his face with his wrist. He leans over to give Peggy a kiss on the forehead, and stands up. "See you next week, Peg." He's surprised at how casual he manages to sound. Steve gives the nurse a polite smile and heads to the door. He's halfway out when Peggy calls out to him.

"Steve!"

He leans his head in and smiles brightly. "Yeah?"

Peggy's eyes have lost their dewiness and are as piercing as before. "You promised."

Steve's fake smile slips off and he nods solemnly. "I won't break it."

"Good." There's a sudden twinkle in her eye. "You know that I'll make you run laps if you don't follow orders, soldier."

Steve makes a face. "That I do."

Peggy laughs, and it's the first real laugh Steve's heard all evening. "Don't lollygag, soldier. Go!"

Steve clicks his heels and salutes. "Yes ma'am!"

Peggy is still laughing when he closes the door.

For the first time since he's started coming here, Steve walks out to his motorcycle with a smile on his face.


End file.
